New Life :)

Welllll.. it has been over 3 months since I wrote on here but now that I am happily settled into my new life and the chaos has died down a little I decided to sum up whats going on. I had the most WONDERFUL summer at my grandmas house in Vergas. Just a recap, this is the grandma I was estranged from because of the life-altering letter she wrote me when I was 15. I am so happy to say that I have finally completely forgiven her and our relationship is better than ever. I had a great opportunity to get away from reality for the summer and really find myself and my place in this crazy messed up world. I was almost completely cut off from civilization and friends the whole summer. Plus side is it kind of showed who my real friends are and who just liked me to drink with. I have cut out the negative people in my life who have nothing better to do but drink. I am proud to say I now have good quality friends that I keep close. While I was there, I raised my own garden, and even made a quilt ALL by myself!! Yes, it seems quite dull compared to what my life used to consist of, but it was quite refreshing to live the simple life. Its even already planned that I will be going back next summer, and I get to raise chickens and I get a pet pig next year! This makes me sooo happy, because nothing makes me happier than bonding with animals on a daily basis. I am convinced that Vergas is where Im meant to be, and after I graduate I will end up there on the farm, and eventually building my own house on the land. I absolutely love it there it is amazing in every aspect. Now, I am back to college, but I am going to the University of Minnesota in Crookston. I am living on campus (not really, dorms ran out so I am living in the hotel next to campus) and it is so nice not to have to worry about working and paying rent every month, and its soo much easier to focus on school. I have quite a heavy load this semester, Im in honors biology and chemistry, which is very challenging for me considering Ive never taken a chem class before!! But I am certain I will do good. My advisor gave me an incredible opportunity for the summer of my junior year. EPA has a program called "greater opportunity research" which means the 3 months before my junior year I will be doing environmental research. I will be getting paid $9000 for the summer, and they completely fund my last two years of school!!! The only catch is that I have to keep a B average, but I am soooo determined and thankful for this opportunity that I know I can keep my grades up! I am majoring in Environmental Science and I am possibly doing an emphasis on Agricultural Stewardship. I have the BEST roommate ever!! We are both so happy that we were put together, because we like all the same things, and we get along soo good! She is so outgoing and friendly, which makes me become a little more outgoing as well. I am so absolutely happy with my life right now and I thank God for it everyday. I recently turned 21, and I am proud to say I have been so responsible!! No drunk texting or calling at all! Safe to say that part of my life is over, and I am so glad I turned the page. This summer has been a life changing one, and for the better. God has blessed me and helped me get out of the 'rut' I felt like I was in earlier. I dont even know the person I used to be, and that is a great thing. I honestly feel like this is one of the happiest Ive ever been. I hope everything and school is going great for the rest of you! :)

........::::::::::::::::...........

Well. Im surprised that Im still using this. I find it easier to write on here than in my journal when I have alot on my mind because its easier to get it all out. I have so much going on right now in my head I just dont know anymore. Ive been drinking more than ever lately, and the worst part is that I find myself behind the wheel every single time. I used to drink for the fun of it, and while hanging out with friends, but that has all changed. When I drink, I drink to black out. To get so completely hammered that I can do whatever I want that night without thinking. This is not ok. And with the whole Wade thing still going on, I find myself picking fights with him every single time I drink. I sat on the phone with him for an HOUR one night, bitching at him and crying to him the entire time. The last time I drank, I went absolutely insane. The reason? Because his truck was parked in front of a store in town. I went crazy because I seen his truck. That was a huge wakeup call when I woke up the next morning and read our conversation. He freaked out on me, finally. I finally got a reaction out of him. He told me to drink another beer and smoke another carton of cigs and to get off the streets because drinking and driving isnt cool. That is true, but who is he to talk?? Hes the one with the DUI!!! He is always so condescending and thinks his shit dont stink. I hate him, and am sick of wasting so much time thinking and obsessing over him! I realized the next day that I need to make drastic steps to better myself and get out of these horrible habits. I am moving two hours away to Vergas, MN. I am going to live on my grandmas farm for the summer until I start college at UMC at the end of Augast. This is the gramma from my memoir, and keep in mind that I have not had an actual personal conversation with her since she wrote me the note when i was 14. I am finally going to swallow my pride and get things right between me and her because i dont want the same regrets with her that i have with my grandpa. He died without knowing how much I really did love him. I cant let that happen again. I am not going to drink a single drop until my 21st bday Augast 9th. Hopefully by then I will have no emotional baggage so I will not start fights with Wade, or even think of him for that matter. I am so excited, it is going to be like therapy for me. I am going away to a place where I have no worries in the world. I am not only doing this because of Wade, I am doing it for myself. My drinking is out of control, and the driving is absolutely unacceptable and I need to clear my head for the summer. I am no longer going to talk to Jerod, Wades best friend who I also became great friends with. I am not telling them where I am going. I just need to leave for a little while. I put my 2 weeks in at Tesoro tonight. My parents told me if I did this they will pay my car payment and insurance from now until I graduate. And to my surprise, my grandma is very excited for me to live with her. This is her first summer without my grandpa. I havent been to the farm since he died, so I know its going to be weird without him there.

I am so excited to fix myself a little bit.
I know this is what I need to do, and atleast Im making steps in the right direction.

My life will go on- With or Without you.

This week has been a very exciting week for me. I found out I got a 25 on my ACT's, which is better than I was expecting! I automatically get a merit scholarship, which will help a little! Also, when I got back to town from Warroad for easter, there was a big envelope on my desk from University of Minnesota, Crookston. I was so scared to open it, but I did, and I got accepted!! I Am so very happy that I got in and I am ready to start the next chapter of my life. I got the forms for housing on campus, and I am so very excited to live on campus and not have to worry about working all the damn time and paying bills. I will have absolutely zero bills to pay, therefore more time to focus on school and get the very best grades I can. I am so excited to embark on this journey to finally getting a degree!! Also, I have successfully been vegan for two weeks now, and I am so proud! I have no desire to even eat any animal product any more. And since Ive started, I lost ten pounds! I didnt go vegan to lose weight; Im doing it for my love of animals, but its just a super awesome bonus!! Im so glad Im living life for myself and not for others anymore. Whats meant to be will happen, I just need to make sure Im living my life the way I want to and not worry so much about others opinions. PS only like a couple weeks of school left!! Nice knowin ya, Northland!!

Animals are not ours to expirement on.

So for a research paper in one of my classes, Im doing it on animal testing. I recently went to the library and checked out some books, and did some online research as well. I have been a member of Peta since I was fourteen. I used to get flyers in the mail and hand them out to my friends. I have been a vegetarian on and off pretty much my entire life. Honestly, this is all something I am very passionate about and I think I was put on this earth to help animals somehow. I have spent the past three hours on the Peta website, doing things and researching how I can help. I am going Vegan this time, and for good. It is unbelievable what people do to animals, just for food and unnecessary testing. Dont we have enough makeup and hairspray products out there? Why must we be a population so obsessed with money that they constantly are making new products, and testing them on animals, blinding and killing them. It is sick and disgusting and I am just so sad that the poor helpless animals go through it. This is me declaring that I am officially and forever Vegan. I will not buy products that have been tested on, and I will not consume anything that a poor animal has suffered and died from. It is hard, especially being a poor college student, but it is totally worth it to me! And in the summer, I am going to volunteer at the humane society on my days off. I must do something. I just want to make a difference.

BIG changes ahead of me :)

I absolutely LOVE nights like these when I get so excited and motivated about my future. I have been doing some major soul searching and looking deep inside myself lately to find out exactly what it is I want from my life, goals I want, and people I want in my life. I have encountered some bad people in my lifetime, and instead of being bitter about it Im trying to be positive and thankful for those people, who help me realize the kind of people I DO need/want in my life. I am going to be cutting out the un-necessary people in my life who only bring me down. I am sick of always giving every possible part of me to others, and constantly helping others who I honestly dont know if they would do the same. The problem with me is my pride, and i rarely ask others for help, so I never know if a person would or not. But I am a pretty good judge of character so I know I am making the right choice. I know that the root of alot of my issues is alcohol. Im not going to say that I will never drink again, because that is unrealistic, but I am definitely going to cut it out mostly until summer atleast, when I will be turning 21. I will be taking the ACT for UMC in April, exactly one month from yesterday, and I have set a goal for myself to get a 34, or atleast a 30. I realize this is a very high goal, but I know I am a very smart person, and when I actually study and apply myself, I can do great. And plus a very wise person once told me, Set your goals higher than you want, because even if you dont reach it, you will still get what you want. So I will be focusing on studying for the ACT every single day, and I think I want to try to get on the Dean's list this semester. Im not exactly sure how to do this, but I just know I can do great when I actually try, and Im sick of selling myself short. God put me on this earth for great things, and Im sick of just barely getting by and settling for less than I deserve. I am just so happy and confident in myself right now! Thats alll :) ....Gabe.

.:.Itchy Feet.:.

Soo.. When I think of itchy feet, I think of summer.
What first pops into my mind is mosquito bites.
Mosquito bites in between the toes, or on the
bottom of your feet, or even on the top are the
Worst.Things.Everrrr!!!!! Seriously.
I absolutely LOVE warm weather just for the simple
fact that I dont have to wear shoes. Being barefoot
is by far the most simple thing that makes me genuinely
happy. But where I come from, we dont have them fancy
bug sprayers. Im also from waaaay back in the woods,
where the skeeters thrive. My feet are never spared any
summer. From 20 years of experience, I've learned that
using my hair brush to itch my feet is the best thing. Its
a bittersweet feeling, because the bite itches soooo bad, but
when you itch it, it feels soooo good! ironic. maybe.
Now that im thinkin bout skeeters im dreading summer just
because they ruin my life. They itch, look gross and like I have
some odd disease, and plus now we all gotta worry bout West
Nile Disease. Thanks alot guys. OH and its the worst thing ever
when you are laying in bed, and you hear a mosquito buzzing RIGHT
in your ear, but no matter what you cant find it and kill it!!! And even
if you go completely under the covers, its still Right in your ear!!! aaaaaah.
They are like a bad dream that keeps haunting me. Soooo not excited.

--One Hundred Dislikes--

1. Bad storms
2. Answering the door
3. Answering my phone if I dont know the number
4. Clowns
5. Infomercials
6. LIARS!
7. People who try to be something theyre not
8. When people copy me
9. People who label themselves
10. Wearing a low-cut shirt in cold wind!
11. People who do drugs
12. When people repeat themselves
13. Duplicate texts
14. When people buttdial me
15. People who judge others to make themselves feel better
16. Sluts.
17. Cheaters
18. Odd numbers-except 7.
19. Worrying about money
20. Thinking about the future
21. When people cry in front of me
22. Showing emotions
23. Followers
24. Waking up early
25. "Low Battery"
26. People who let their roots grow out really long after dying their hair
27. People who dont brush their teeth
28. The sound of someone eating a banana
29. Snorers!
30. Brad Paisley
31. Darius Rucker
32. How sensitive my skin is!
33. Drunk texting
34. Apologizing
35. People who constantly complain
36. Sleeping bags
37. Shoes/Socks
38. Getting proved wrong
39. Spiders!!!!!
40. Bad dreams
41. Nosy people
42. Working
43. Heights
44. Sleeping without my nini-almost impossible
45. Fake jewelry that turns my skin green
46. Attention whores
47. Doing laundry
48. Blowdrying my hair
49. Lipgloss/chapstick
50. Beds without sheets
51. Windows without curtains
52. Annoying bumper stickers ex:if your gonna ride my ass, atleast pull my hair.... trashy.
53. The Packers. Biggest joke known to man.
54. Interstates
55. When Minnesotans like the Packers. Come on, represent.
56. How big a deal people are making the Fighting Souix name to be. get overrrr it.
57. When I forget to put my earrings in
58. Losing stuff
59. How I cant stop thinking about himmm!
60. How he dont think about me at allllll
61. Long fingernails
62. Long toenails
63. The fact that I messed up my scholarship
64. How stubborn I can be
65. Pluckin my brows
66. People who think it's funny to be rude to others
67. When I say hi to someone and they dont say hi back
68. How forgetful I can be
69. Ultimatums
70. When people invite themselves
71. How much my hair falls out
72. Doors without locks
73. 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner
74. Ex boyfriends.
75. Fake uggs
76. City life
77. Being so far from my mom!
78. Alarm clocks
79. When things break
80. Running out of something
81. The need to buy gas
82. Hospitals/Dentists
83. Mosquito bites-Especially on the toes!!
84. When socks slide off in my shoes
85. The color yellow
86. Being sick
87. Having no time for anything
88. Headbands
89. Stains
90. Car troubles
91. Having to sit here and think about things I dont like
92. Wondering what if
93. Not knowing what to do
94. Akward moments
95. Seeing someone I reaaaalllly dont feel like talking to
96. Fishing all day and not getting anything. Not even a dam bite.
97. Driving back to forks from Warroad
98. Poison Ivy
99. When people say my name wrong
100. Talking in front of the class.

--One Hundred Likes--

-My family :)
-Friends
-Animals
-Texting
-Driving Around
-Roosevelt!!
-My Gramma
-Summer sausage buns
-FISHING!
-Hilly Roads
-Roadtrips!
-Gravel roads
-My car
-Getting the last word
-Peace Signs
-Getting revenge
-Cruisin whips
-Holding hands :)
-Liquid eyeliner
-Hair straightener
-Fields
-The woods
-Driving through beltrami at night
-The sound it makes when you walk on fresh snow
-The smell of fall
-My grandpas farm
-Bundling up on a cold night
-Blacklights
-My bed
-Journals
-My Ipod
-Rain
-Blackhawk
-THE VIKES!!!!
-Waylon Jennings
-Merle Haggard
-George Jones
-Foosball
-Pool
-Small town bars
-Bad Girls Club
-American Pickers
-Getting my hair done
-Muck boots
-Browning
-Queen-Bohemian Rhapsody
-Diamond earrings
-Rock Revival jeans
-Violins
-Banjos
-Mandarine oranges!
-Corn on the cob
-Cows
-Pigs
-Climbing on hay bails
-Walking through ponds barefoot
-Being barefoot :)
-Climbing trees
-Looking for fossils
-Doing anything with my cousin/best friend Cassandra
-Cold beer :)
-Facebook
-Hearing new songs with good lyrics
-Singing at the top of my lungs
-Making collages
-Sewing
-Inside jokes
-Cabelas
-Gander Mtn
-Driving on the frozen lake
-Arguing
-Looking through my grammas old stuff
-"Northern Lights"-The Williams newspaper
-Too Talls in Williams
-Rogers/Percy's Place in Roosie
-Juice pouches
-Driving over bridges
-Chaos
-My nini (baby blanket)
-My coach shoes
-Sunglasses
-Cleaning my car
-Ice castles
-The smell of my grandpas shop
-The smell of freshly cut trees/sawdust
-Turqoise jewelry
-My perfume
-Crest 3D white toothpaste
-Puppies!
-Bruises
-Picking out slivers
-Biolage shampoo and conditioner
-Rearranging rooms
-Mascara
-Family get togethers/holidays
-Four wheelin
-Crunchy leaves in the fall
-Norwegian things
-New York!

........My choice..........

So after this whole "Wade" thing, I kind of went on a drinking binge. It was my little twisted way of thinking I was doing fine without him, and hanging out with his best friend so he would get jealous, cause all he ever does is sit at home with his family. Also my best friend recently turned 21, so that makes my situation a lot easier for me to just get drunk whenever i wanted to. I realize that I was drinking like every single day for like 2 weeks, and that was just not good. Then I stopped drinking every day, and I noticed that its so much harder for me to wake up in the morning after a good, sober nights sleep! When I was getting drunk everyday, I made it to EVERY single class! And I woke up feeling super awake and ready for the day. Now every morning it is a serious struggle to get myself to get up and go to school. Its super ironic. i think? Not sure if thats the right way to use the word ironic, but it works in my head. I just dont get how i can seriously function better every day if i drink. Dummb. Also, Im super excited I finally decided 100% I am going to be going to UMC next fall!!!! I loooove the campus and I decided my major and I feel super productive because I figured alot of stuff out today. Alsoooo I keep saying the word super and I dont know why. I feel ditzy right now. Oooohhh well I am sooo happy that I figured that out, and I am going to be moving to fisher with my cousin (hopefully)!!!! I found these superrrr cute town homes that are really cheap there! And fisher is smack dab in the middle of EGF and Crookston, because I still plan on working in EGF, atleast for now. Ok wellllllll I should probably go to bed because I know Ill be really tired in the morning!!!

Favorite Memory :)

Well I tried to think about what my favorite memory would be, but I have way too many, so I'm just going to write about one.
My best friend of 13 years, Tia, has an island/fishing resort that her parents own. Its in Ontario, Canada, off of the northwest angle. We used to go up there so much when we were younger. Even though its on an island, there was so much we used to do for fun.. One of my faaaavorite things in the world to do is canoe. So we would take the canoe around the bay where there are about 5 surrounding abandoned islands. One time we decided to pack a little picnic and bring the dog with too. We were about 14 years old, and so we decided to take a couple beers from the alcohol fridge of her dads. This was both of our first tastes of beer ever. We were so disgusted from the first sip that we dumped it all out into the lake. After that we stopped and had a picnic on one of the empty islands. I was so afraid of bears, because they are known to go out there, so i was nervous the whole time. We seen a storm was rolling in, so we decided to leave. It started totally downpouring on us the trip back, and we were rowing with all our might, and it was so hard. We got back and were completely drenched. I love going up to her island and now i need to get a stupid passport just to go to canada, even though i live 6 miles from the border. just dumb.

Suade

Ok so this is my choice blog. I am behind by like, 3 so I have some catching up to do. Right now I am just going to write about what is on my mind, which happens to be a stupid stupid boy named Wade, or Suade, as we call him. I met wade at work. I work at a gas station where all the local farmers have charge accounts for their farms. Wade is a farmer, and charges his fuel there. This is how we met two years ago. We started off great! I remember when he first held my hand and i was sooooo excited. It was all so innocent and I just loved it. Lately I started to feel like he didnt respect me, so one night I got drunk and sent him a 5-page long text bitching him out kind of. It was sort of mean, but totally truthful. This was almost three weeks ago and he hasnt said a word to me since. I cant stop thinking about him! Seriously I dont understand why he got so mad, and why he is now ignoring me. He is almost 25, but sometimes he acts like hes more like 40, but right now hes acting like 15. I have talked to my mom about this, because I dont know what to do, because Im not used to guys like him. He is more reserved and just plain different from any guys im used to. She told me that if I think he is worth fighting for then to fight for him, but I dont know how much harder I can fight for him! He is just one guy and I have pride. Im also too damn stubborn to apologize! Ahhhhhhhhhh. ok that was me venting. On to the next blog.

.Let Go And Let God.

So for my quote, it's obviously "Let go and Let God"

This has always been one of my favorite quotes ever since my mom told me it at some point in my life when I was going through a rough patch. Everytime something bad happens and I dont know what to do I try to tell myself just to let go and let god. I know he has a plan for my life, and everyone elses, and even though we all try to control things in our life to go the way we want, Sometimes we just need to let god do what he needs to do to make our lives just the way they are meant to be.

*Blogasize?

Not even sure if I am doing this right, but here goes..

1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post these rules on your blog
3. Tell about your six quirks, see below.
4. Tag three bloggers to do the same
5. Leave them a comment to let them know you’ve tagged them

My "Quirks"....

1-- Although I hate being cold, winter is my favorite time of year because I LIVE for ice fishing!

2--I find it easy to tell others how to live their life, or what to do in a troubling situation, but I have absolutely no idea how to live my own life, and never take my own advice.

3--I am the worst at holding grudges. I can forgive, but forgetting is the hardest part for me. I can literally remember one rude comment a person has said to me, even if it was ten years ago. Chances are I secretly hate them for it to this day also.

4--I believe I have a mild case of hoarding. Bringing myself to throw away something with even a tiny bit of meaning to it is almost impossible. This only makes it even harder for me to leave the past behind. Its one thing I am really trying to work on.

5--I have a passion for sewing and crafty sort of things. However, I havent done any of that for about 3-4 years. After a certain life event, I threw away all of my thread, material, and other supplies. I really wish I hadn't thrown them out. But, I still have my two sewing machines, and really hope to start doing it again in the near future.

6--I am the biggest procrastinator. I will wait until 11 pm to start a 5 page essay due the next day. Luckily for me, I do better under pressure and usually get my best grades when I do it last minute.

Now, to tag 3 people :)

1.Polish Thoughts
2.This is me talking
3.A well of words

Why Write?

Why do I like to write... good question. I always seem to dread when I have essays due and have to write papers, but once I get started its completely different. I love to write, because its a way to get what is going on in my head out. Writing is an easier way for me to express how I feel because Im not actually saying it out loud. Once I start writing and get ideas out on paper or on a computer, my mind has a million things going through it and they can all just come out. I have been writing my whole life. Its something I picked up from my mom. She loves to write, and shes really good at it. I'll never tell her, but I dug through her journal one day and found the book she started writing. It was really good, and I wish she would have the confidence to finish it and try to get it published, but she wont. When i was younger i used to write plays and short stories all the time. It was a way to make up a life completely different from my own, with characters who were nothing like me. I used to write poems all the time, too. I dont really know why I stopped. Anyone who has read my poems love them, but the only problem is theres only like 2 people who have read them. They are just to personal, and I have issues with letting other people see that side of me. I think its just because I always act so lighthearted that no one can really take me seriously. To sum up this post, I write because I love to, and because its the only way I can truly get my real feelings out there without having to act tough, and like I dont care about anything.