Well. Im surprised that Im still using this. I find it easier to write on here than in my journal when I have alot on my mind because its easier to get it all out. I have so much going on right now in my head I just dont know anymore. Ive been drinking more than ever lately, and the worst part is that I find myself behind the wheel every single time. I used to drink for the fun of it, and while hanging out with friends, but that has all changed. When I drink, I drink to black out. To get so completely hammered that I can do whatever I want that night without thinking. This is not ok. And with the whole Wade thing still going on, I find myself picking fights with him every single time I drink. I sat on the phone with him for an HOUR one night, bitching at him and crying to him the entire time. The last time I drank, I went absolutely insane. The reason? Because his truck was parked in front of a store in town. I went crazy because I seen his truck. That was a huge wakeup call when I woke up the next morning and read our conversation. He freaked out on me, finally. I finally got a reaction out of him. He told me to drink another beer and smoke another carton of cigs and to get off the streets because drinking and driving isnt cool. That is true, but who is he to talk?? Hes the one with the DUI!!! He is always so condescending and thinks his shit dont stink. I hate him, and am sick of wasting so much time thinking and obsessing over him! I realized the next day that I need to make drastic steps to better myself and get out of these horrible habits. I am moving two hours away to Vergas, MN. I am going to live on my grandmas farm for the summer until I start college at UMC at the end of Augast. This is the gramma from my memoir, and keep in mind that I have not had an actual personal conversation with her since she wrote me the note when i was 14. I am finally going to swallow my pride and get things right between me and her because i dont want the same regrets with her that i have with my grandpa. He died without knowing how much I really did love him. I cant let that happen again. I am not going to drink a single drop until my 21st bday Augast 9th. Hopefully by then I will have no emotional baggage so I will not start fights with Wade, or even think of him for that matter. I am so excited, it is going to be like therapy for me. I am going away to a place where I have no worries in the world. I am not only doing this because of Wade, I am doing it for myself. My drinking is out of control, and the driving is absolutely unacceptable and I need to clear my head for the summer. I am no longer going to talk to Jerod, Wades best friend who I also became great friends with. I am not telling them where I am going. I just need to leave for a little while. I put my 2 weeks in at Tesoro tonight. My parents told me if I did this they will pay my car payment and insurance from now until I graduate. And to my surprise, my grandma is very excited for me to live with her. This is her first summer without my grandpa. I havent been to the farm since he died, so I know its going to be weird without him there.
I am so excited to fix myself a little bit.
I know this is what I need to do, and atleast Im making steps in the right direction.
