Mistakes made & Lessons learned

Well.. today was the start of a fresh new semester for me here at UMC. All in all things went good and I feel good about the classes Im in- so far. Just a look at my course load: Botany, Chemistry (try #2), Environmental Science Remediation Techniques, and Precalculus. Uff. Not to mention that I am on Academic probation due to the Chem class I took, and failed, last semester. It is crucial that I do exceptional this semester to raise my GPA and avoid getting suspended for a semester, so the pressure is on. I feel a little overwhelmed and quite frankly in over my head not only because of school stress, but stress in other areas. One of the biggest issues in my life is that I am falling for someone. But this someone is not just anyone. He happens to be the best friend of the infamous Wade ( who I used to see). He is amazing. He challenges me, and isnt afraid to call me out and argue with me. Its a nice change of pace considering Wade would avoid conflict whenever he could. The thing about me is that I love to argue. When Im feeling pissy, sometimes I just want to yell at somebody who can take it, and even dish it right back out at me. He is nice, but not too nice. He cares for me and gives me advice. When Im feeling down or just need someone to vent to or tell my most sensitive feelings to, he listens and helps. He is a little know-it-all-ish which gets irritating, but he keeps reminding me that he's trying to help me go in the right direction. He is what I need to be the best person I can be. Just the teeny tiny fact that he's Wades best friend is a slight problem. I dont know if I could ever accept the fact that he is best friends and thinks highly of the person that I hate, but I would never try to turn him against his best friend. I guess we'll just see. Moving on.. learned another big lesson. I used to have a big issue with drinking and driving. Over the summer at my grandmas I seemed to fix most of my emotional issues at that time. I guess that lesson I didnt yet learn was that even though I wasnt the one driving when drunk, riding with a drunk driver is also not ok. My roommate and I went drinking with my friends Jerod and Eric. We were having a good time, and Eric was driving us in his pickup. By the end of the night we were all pretty well tuned up. We left a bar in a dinky little town and were cruising some backroads. All night Eric was showing off, fishtailing down the gravel roads and going really fast. Well, we turned down one road and he started doing it again, I could feel him lose control and we were whipping back and forth pretty quickly. Before I even knew it, the entire pickup whipped around, hit the ditch, and rolled. Luckily we were all ok, the worst of the injuries being cuts from the broken glass. We were inches from getting wrapped around a light pole. I know that was God grabbing me by the arms and shaking me as hard as he could, attempting one last time to knock some sense into me. Safe to say, I got the message loud and clear. I was extremely grateful we were all ok, especially because the next day I heard on the news that a guy got in a rollover in another town and died. You hear about rollovers all the time, and majority of the time it doesnt end well. I know how lucky I was and learned that its not only DUIs that are the consequence of drinking and driving. Well I must end this now. I just had so much on my mind tonight that I had to get out of my head.

New Life :)

Welllll.. it has been over 3 months since I wrote on here but now that I am happily settled into my new life and the chaos has died down a little I decided to sum up whats going on. I had the most WONDERFUL summer at my grandmas house in Vergas. Just a recap, this is the grandma I was estranged from because of the life-altering letter she wrote me when I was 15. I am so happy to say that I have finally completely forgiven her and our relationship is better than ever. I had a great opportunity to get away from reality for the summer and really find myself and my place in this crazy messed up world. I was almost completely cut off from civilization and friends the whole summer. Plus side is it kind of showed who my real friends are and who just liked me to drink with. I have cut out the negative people in my life who have nothing better to do but drink. I am proud to say I now have good quality friends that I keep close. While I was there, I raised my own garden, and even made a quilt ALL by myself!! Yes, it seems quite dull compared to what my life used to consist of, but it was quite refreshing to live the simple life. Its even already planned that I will be going back next summer, and I get to raise chickens and I get a pet pig next year! This makes me sooo happy, because nothing makes me happier than bonding with animals on a daily basis. I am convinced that Vergas is where Im meant to be, and after I graduate I will end up there on the farm, and eventually building my own house on the land. I absolutely love it there it is amazing in every aspect. Now, I am back to college, but I am going to the University of Minnesota in Crookston. I am living on campus (not really, dorms ran out so I am living in the hotel next to campus) and it is so nice not to have to worry about working and paying rent every month, and its soo much easier to focus on school. I have quite a heavy load this semester, Im in honors biology and chemistry, which is very challenging for me considering Ive never taken a chem class before!! But I am certain I will do good. My advisor gave me an incredible opportunity for the summer of my junior year. EPA has a program called "greater opportunity research" which means the 3 months before my junior year I will be doing environmental research. I will be getting paid $9000 for the summer, and they completely fund my last two years of school!!! The only catch is that I have to keep a B average, but I am soooo determined and thankful for this opportunity that I know I can keep my grades up! I am majoring in Environmental Science and I am possibly doing an emphasis on Agricultural Stewardship. I have the BEST roommate ever!! We are both so happy that we were put together, because we like all the same things, and we get along soo good! She is so outgoing and friendly, which makes me become a little more outgoing as well. I am so absolutely happy with my life right now and I thank God for it everyday. I recently turned 21, and I am proud to say I have been so responsible!! No drunk texting or calling at all! Safe to say that part of my life is over, and I am so glad I turned the page. This summer has been a life changing one, and for the better. God has blessed me and helped me get out of the 'rut' I felt like I was in earlier. I dont even know the person I used to be, and that is a great thing. I honestly feel like this is one of the happiest Ive ever been. I hope everything and school is going great for the rest of you! :)

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Well. Im surprised that Im still using this. I find it easier to write on here than in my journal when I have alot on my mind because its easier to get it all out. I have so much going on right now in my head I just dont know anymore. Ive been drinking more than ever lately, and the worst part is that I find myself behind the wheel every single time. I used to drink for the fun of it, and while hanging out with friends, but that has all changed. When I drink, I drink to black out. To get so completely hammered that I can do whatever I want that night without thinking. This is not ok. And with the whole Wade thing still going on, I find myself picking fights with him every single time I drink. I sat on the phone with him for an HOUR one night, bitching at him and crying to him the entire time. The last time I drank, I went absolutely insane. The reason? Because his truck was parked in front of a store in town. I went crazy because I seen his truck. That was a huge wakeup call when I woke up the next morning and read our conversation. He freaked out on me, finally. I finally got a reaction out of him. He told me to drink another beer and smoke another carton of cigs and to get off the streets because drinking and driving isnt cool. That is true, but who is he to talk?? Hes the one with the DUI!!! He is always so condescending and thinks his shit dont stink. I hate him, and am sick of wasting so much time thinking and obsessing over him! I realized the next day that I need to make drastic steps to better myself and get out of these horrible habits. I am moving two hours away to Vergas, MN. I am going to live on my grandmas farm for the summer until I start college at UMC at the end of Augast. This is the gramma from my memoir, and keep in mind that I have not had an actual personal conversation with her since she wrote me the note when i was 14. I am finally going to swallow my pride and get things right between me and her because i dont want the same regrets with her that i have with my grandpa. He died without knowing how much I really did love him. I cant let that happen again. I am not going to drink a single drop until my 21st bday Augast 9th. Hopefully by then I will have no emotional baggage so I will not start fights with Wade, or even think of him for that matter. I am so excited, it is going to be like therapy for me. I am going away to a place where I have no worries in the world. I am not only doing this because of Wade, I am doing it for myself. My drinking is out of control, and the driving is absolutely unacceptable and I need to clear my head for the summer. I am no longer going to talk to Jerod, Wades best friend who I also became great friends with. I am not telling them where I am going. I just need to leave for a little while. I put my 2 weeks in at Tesoro tonight. My parents told me if I did this they will pay my car payment and insurance from now until I graduate. And to my surprise, my grandma is very excited for me to live with her. This is her first summer without my grandpa. I havent been to the farm since he died, so I know its going to be weird without him there.

I am so excited to fix myself a little bit.
I know this is what I need to do, and atleast Im making steps in the right direction.

My life will go on- With or Without you.

This week has been a very exciting week for me. I found out I got a 25 on my ACT's, which is better than I was expecting! I automatically get a merit scholarship, which will help a little! Also, when I got back to town from Warroad for easter, there was a big envelope on my desk from University of Minnesota, Crookston. I was so scared to open it, but I did, and I got accepted!! I Am so very happy that I got in and I am ready to start the next chapter of my life. I got the forms for housing on campus, and I am so very excited to live on campus and not have to worry about working all the damn time and paying bills. I will have absolutely zero bills to pay, therefore more time to focus on school and get the very best grades I can. I am so excited to embark on this journey to finally getting a degree!! Also, I have successfully been vegan for two weeks now, and I am so proud! I have no desire to even eat any animal product any more. And since Ive started, I lost ten pounds! I didnt go vegan to lose weight; Im doing it for my love of animals, but its just a super awesome bonus!! Im so glad Im living life for myself and not for others anymore. Whats meant to be will happen, I just need to make sure Im living my life the way I want to and not worry so much about others opinions. PS only like a couple weeks of school left!! Nice knowin ya, Northland!!

Animals are not ours to expirement on.

So for a research paper in one of my classes, Im doing it on animal testing. I recently went to the library and checked out some books, and did some online research as well. I have been a member of Peta since I was fourteen. I used to get flyers in the mail and hand them out to my friends. I have been a vegetarian on and off pretty much my entire life. Honestly, this is all something I am very passionate about and I think I was put on this earth to help animals somehow. I have spent the past three hours on the Peta website, doing things and researching how I can help. I am going Vegan this time, and for good. It is unbelievable what people do to animals, just for food and unnecessary testing. Dont we have enough makeup and hairspray products out there? Why must we be a population so obsessed with money that they constantly are making new products, and testing them on animals, blinding and killing them. It is sick and disgusting and I am just so sad that the poor helpless animals go through it. This is me declaring that I am officially and forever Vegan. I will not buy products that have been tested on, and I will not consume anything that a poor animal has suffered and died from. It is hard, especially being a poor college student, but it is totally worth it to me! And in the summer, I am going to volunteer at the humane society on my days off. I must do something. I just want to make a difference.